Loneliness

There is much mental suffering in our world. But some of it is suffering for the wrong reason because it is born out of the false expectation that we are called to take each other's loneliness away. - Henri Nouwen, Reaching Out

My own recent travels through the rough terrain of loneliness has been an eye opening, and heart wrenching experience. Nouwen's words shook me to the core at first. Of course we're called to take one another's loneliness away! Isn't that the point of relationships, be they relationships with lovers or friends? When one is with another person, shouldn't that be about alleviating their loneliness?

I had to dwell on this thought for awhile, but eventually, I came to believe Nouwen is right. I've lived my whole life looking to get rid of my loneliness, or to take away someone else's loneliness. We do it in relationships all the time. We rush into relationships that aren't right for us, and we know it, yet the other person represents a way to end our loneliness. So, we rush into their arms, ready to give up our loneliness and take theirs away. Those relationships, at least the ones I have experienced, are all about suffering. In the end, you discover that you can't end the other person's loneliness just by being with them. Often we're angry and confused, too, over why our loneliness persists, even when we're with our new lover or friend. These relationships tend to end in bitterness and often hatred for one another because we haven't lived up to each other's expectations. We're together, but we remain lonely.

Nouwen's book, Reaching Out, has been my travel guide through the landscape of loneliness. He has taught me that to truly be alive, I must be at home in my loneliness. By befriending the very thing that leads me to despair, I transform my loneliness into a home called solitude. Making peace with loneliness isn't easy and it's often a frustrating process. But, I've reached those moments of solitude in my work to make loneliness a home and in those moments I've experienced the true presence of God. I'm beginning to feel that powerful transformation of my loneliness into solitude.

Certainly I still want the presence of another human being in my life, but this time it's different. Instead of wanting to take away their loneliness, or have them take away mine, I want us to explore each other's loneliness and discover the beauty that resides there. Being able to be open to another person's despair, without feeling that you must rescue that person from that place, is the heart of true hospitality, according to Nouwen.

Are you trying to take someone's loneliness away? Are you looking for someone to take away your loneliness? Nouwen knows, and I now know, that will only lead to unnecessary suffering -- for you and the person you find. Examine your motives carefully. Examine your loneliness carefully. Before you enter a relationship you must make a home out of your loneliness. Truly seek to turn it into a solitude that you welcome rather than a despair you must run from. The work is not easy, but, believe me, the blessings are abundant.

http://www.whosoever.org/devotions/dec2199.html

Loneliness

Loneliness

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